Connection: The lost Essential skill of modern Day men

Connection: The Lost Essential Skill of Modern-Day Men

In the digital age, it's paradoxical yet increasingly evident that while we are more connected than ever through technology, true connection has become a lost art, especially among modern men. This phenomenon is not just about a decline in face-to-face interactions but touches upon a deeper, more significant loss: the ability to form meaningful, deep connections. This shift has profound implications for personal well-being and societal cohesion.

The Digital Divide

The rise of social media and digital communication has redefined what it means to be connected. With a few taps on a screen, we can reach out to anyone across the globe. However, this convenience often masks a troubling reality: these connections are frequently superficial. The curated lives we present online and the fleeting nature of digital interactions can create an illusion of intimacy without the substance of genuine relationships.

There are many stories of male friendships being formed online through gaming and forums, men even seek comfort with online friends whom they have never seen or know what they look like but due to desperation will open up to and talk to. These artificial friendships are dangerous as even though, men might be getting some sort of fix online it is not sustainable or significant. Our internet buddies aren't always on their phones or worse yet may not always exist on the platform being used to communicate. Real-life Human interaction trumps all!

 

The Changing Landscape of Male Socialisation

Historically, men often bonded through shared activities and communal experiences, from hunting and gathering in ancient times to participating in sports and club activities in more recent history. These settings provided a backdrop for the development of deep bonds and mutual support systems. However, modern life has disrupted many of these traditional avenues for connection.

Work has become more isolating, with many men spending long hours in front of screens rather than engaging in collaborative, in-person environments. Social spaces where men once congregated—like local pubs, community centres, and even family gatherings—are seeing diminished attendance as virtual interactions take precedence. The societal pressure to prioritise career and individual achievement over communal engagement further exacerbates this isolation.

Men’s social world is through activity,  conversation becomes a lot less important than presence and activity. That is not to say conversation isn’t crucial for alleviating stress and bonding but as men, we need to understand that we are different to women and how we bond with our partners is different to how we need to bond with our male companions. Playing just video games and or texting doesn't cut it, making active intentional plans and time for you and your mates to go do fun activities that inspire brotherhood-type experiences are the driving forces for longevity and deepness within your friendships.

 

Power of Brotherhood.

In the modern world, the importance of friendship, especially among men, often goes underestimated. Society frequently glorifies self-reliance and stoicism, overlooking the profound benefits of deep, meaningful male friendships. Yet, research and real-life stories consistently show that men with strong friendships not only fare better emotionally and mentally but also lead healthier, more fulfilling lives.

 

Brotherhood and comradery are crucial, scientific research highlights the profound impact brotherhood and close friendships have on men's health and the formation of deep relationships. Studies indicate that strong social bonds significantly enhance mental and physical well-being. For instance, research published in the Journal of Health and Social Behaviour reveals that men with close friendships experience lower levels of stress and depression, which are crucial factors in preventing chronic illnesses such as heart disease. Additionally, these relationships foster emotional resilience, allowing men to better cope with life’s challenges. Another study in the American Journal of Public Health found that men who engage in regular, meaningful interactions with close friends have a lower risk of mortality, emphasising the protective effect of social connections. This body of evidence gives precedence that brotherhood is not merely a social luxury but a vital component of health and well-being, facilitating deeper, more meaningful relationships that contribute to a longer, healthier life. Choosing loneliness and comfort is easy, in fact, for some reason society rewards us for having a lone wolf mentality and portraying as a strong individualistic but actually nothing could be further from the truth. The wolf is strong because of the pack and the pack is strong because of the wolf.

No wolf can fend off a whole pack and a pack need each other to achieve their goals to survive.

 

Emotional Expression and Vulnerability

Another critical factor in the erosion of deep connections among men is the persistent cultural norm that discourages emotional expression. From a young age, many boys are taught to equate vulnerability with weakness. This "stoic male" stereotype leads to the suppression of emotions, making it difficult for men to open up and form genuine connections.

A science study from the American national survey shows 41% of women had gotten emotional support from a friend vs 20% from men in the last week as to when they took that survey. This highlights how we men are extremely suspicious and closed or even negligent to our own needs and our friends.

Without the ability to share fears, hopes, and vulnerabilities, relationships remain surface-level. True connection requires a level of openness and emotional exchange that many men find challenging due to these ingrained societal expectations.

A quiet life of desperation and isolation is something every man needs to avoid if he can. Its tough to put yourself out there, no matter what anyone says, rejection hurts for the bravest of men and no one wants to be ignored especially in a climate where most feel surrounded physically by other men but spiritually and emotionally still feel disconnected with no barrier to entry for authenticity and realness. It's hard to make connections but it's worth it - it's hard to get to know your neighbours and make time for your friends but what you sacrifice now will be a greater loss in the long term simply put we are humans so start doing and being human instead of being robotic and enclosed.

 

This doesn't mean you force yourself into a pack that doesn't suit you or desperately meet any friend that's willing to spend time with you. It's better to keep searching for the right friends than to fall into the wrong friendships that derail you. The point is that being emotional and vulnerable is a necessary part of forming and strengthening friendships whether there have been people in the past who have scolded you for being open or rejected your friendship just know that other people do and will care about you if they are good people. You just have to put in the work to find these people, if they are not good people they will not care regardless of the bond you may think you formed or even the reality is that they just don't like you for whatever reason they feel valid in having.

I mean the term is there for a reason but Bromances are good for men's health- the science daily states that moderate stress encourages male bonding and prosocial behaviour makes them more resilient to stress. You need others to share life with other than your spouse. Whether that's a new adventure you're embarking on, bad times, work raises, being vulnerable in many instances and having friends that have your back and that you can do life with are the many necessities of man. Having friends is cool it changes everything and most importantly you feel important.

 

Childhood friendships and why they are so important.

It's not just about making new friends and forming brotherhoods its also about nourishing and maintaining childhood friendships, these early connections are the backbone and foundation of your social circle and remain so important well into your adult life. If you think about it Childhood friendships lasting several years are the type of relationships in which your friends have seen you develop, grow and go through the most. They have been there to provide a safe space to express emotions and navigate challenges and will help you build resilience and coping with stress as you go through the journey of life. These lifelong bonds that endure into adulthood offer a reliable source of support and continuity amidst life changes. These long-term relationships can be especially comforting during major life transitions, such as career changes or family dynamics. The thing is in today's society we often are quick to change and chop our friendships, as our interests change however there is a certain itch that childhood friendships offer that others just can't replicate. Maybe you have grown different to some of your friends and some are in different stages of their life, however, unless they are majorly disruptive or overall a negative association, it's super important that these friendships are maintained and strengthened even if there are differences as your bond and history will stay forever. Sometimes that is all you need to have a great relationship as it's not always about having the exact same interests or outlooks on life.

Friends from childhood share a unique history and understanding of one’s background, providing a sense of identity and continuity. This shared history can enhance feelings of belonging and self-worth, they feel like home, people that you can trust and that is crucial for being able to truly express yourself how you want to.

There is something special about childhood friendships in that they have seen you as a child and then grown up and matured, but compared to friendships formed in your adulthood, these childhood friendships will definitely allow you to express your inner child much more or at all. The concept that we all have that inner child in us but living in an adult body is something that I think needs to be explored more, but for this blog let me ask you this. If you were allowed to behave however you want within reason of course but, leaning towards your inner child and having nonsensical fun, would you feel more comfortable with your childhood friends or with new friends made in adulthood?

We live in a judgemental world that enforce us to look and behave a certain way at all times but we have also forgotten that we are humans and that we want to have fun and unleash our inner child too.

 

Long-term happiness and satisfaction what the studies have to say:

1. Life Satisfaction: Studies show that people who maintain friendships from childhood report higher levels of life satisfaction and overall happiness. These relationships provide a consistent source of joy and companionship.
2. Support During Aging: As people age, the support systems established through lifelong friendships become increasingly important. Friends provide emotional and practical support, helping to navigate the challenges of aging.
3. Enhanced Well-Being: The continuity of friendships from childhood to adulthood contributes to a sense of stability and well-being. These enduring relationships provide a buffer against the isolation and loneliness that can occur in later life.

 So with this, reach out to that childhood friend you haven't spoken to in a while.

Stay in touch and have regular communication, whether through calls or real-life catch-ups.

Always offer support to friends who need it or seeking it, even if you are not up for it or it makes you uncomfortable.

Celebrate Together and share in each other’s joys and successes. Celebrating milestones together strengthens the sense of camaraderie and mutual appreciation.

Adapt to Changes: Understand that life changes—such as moving, career shifts, or starting families—can impact friendships. Being flexible and adaptable helps maintain the connection through different life stages.

 

A cornerstone of a man's Values 

One of the key values of being a man is having a sense of humanity. Research by Dacher Keltner, a psychology professor at UC Berkeley, shows how important compassion is. It's not just about being happier and healthier; it's about creating better relationships and communities. Keltner found that people who are empathetic and kind tend to make meaningful connections and positively influence those around them. This highlights how values like humanity shape a man’s character. As guys with big dreams, you need a solid support system, and having compassionate values not only boosts your well-being but also helps you build deep, meaningful relationships and positively impact your circle.

Being part of a community with a shared purpose is also crucial. A study in The Journal of Positive Psychology points out how community involvement helps men grow both personally and collectively. When men work together, bringing in different perspectives and talents, they aim to create a more sustainable, inclusive, and prosperous world. Building strong communities with meaningful connections provides support systems that help everyone grow. However, today's trend of men becoming more isolated is a big issue. Men can become hesitant to reach out due to fears of rejection or vulnerability. But it's essential to realise that every man deserves a circle of friends, a "band of brothers," to hang out with and rely on.

Studies show that men who regularly socialise with other men see big mental health benefits. Research in the Journal of Men's Health from 2018 found a strong link between having friendships and a lower risk of mental health problems like depression and anxiety. These friendships offer crucial emotional support and a space to share thoughts and feelings, easing emotional stress. Also, having a network of friends, or "social integration," is good for your brain. A study in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society found that social interactions, especially with friends, help maintain cognitive function and prevent mental decline as men age. So, building and keeping friendships isn't just a personal choice; it's an essential investment in your mental and emotional health. Plus, it helps create stronger, more resilient communities. By actively being part of a friend group, you can prevent mental decline and contribute to healthier, more supportive societies where everyone thrives.

The Consequences of Disconnection

The repercussions of this loss are significant. Research consistently shows that strong social connections are crucial for mental health and well-being. Men who lack deep, supportive relationships are at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Moreover, the absence of a robust support network can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, further compounding these problems.

On a societal level, the erosion of male bonding and community can lead to fragmented communities and a decline in social cohesion. The loss of intergenerational wisdom, mentorship, and communal support systems undermines societal resilience and the collective ability to address shared challenges.

Loneliness is often dubbed the silent epidemic of our time. Men, in particular, are susceptible to this crisis due to social norms that discourage emotional vulnerability and intimate connections. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, men are less likely than women to have close friends and often feel lonelier as a result.

This loneliness can have serious consequences. It's linked to a range of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, and even suicide. Additionally, loneliness can exacerbate physical health problems, such as heart disease and weakened immune function, showing just how critical social connections are for overall well-being.

Now this may not apply to the majority of people reading this but more than likely you'll know an elder that may run into this very issue and that is being a widower.

Widowers do very poorly - 60% of 60-year-old men say their best friend is their wife. Only 30% of 60-year-old women say their best friend is their husband. What does this mean? Men who isolate themselves and become complacent will end up being very lonely. We often disengage and unintentionally isolate ourselves when in relationships which in the long term as you can see is detrimental to our long-term health and relationships, no woman wants to be the be-all and end all of a mans social and mental health. So to better prepare for the future make sure you put in the work now for those friendships, you’ll need them one day. In fact even if it's a little mechanical or methodological making sure you put in some sort of system or schedule planner to see your friends and assessing which friend needs more time will ensure that you don't neglect your relationships and forget to reach out.

Lonewolf and self-improvement extremity

The crisis of modern life - most men don't have as much time to enjoy leisure activities as working many jobs and or a job and a side business takes their focus away from friendships as it seems impractical to waste time on something that won't get them out of the rat race. On top of that the daily grind and committing to becoming a better you can get addictive and end up consuming all of your time. Don't forget becoming a better you and exceeding your limits means also within your community and socially, not just physically mentally and wealthily.

Realising that being you means you have innate value is powerful however you have to do the work to reveal this value to others and make those friendships 

If you got no one around you or no one wants to be there it's because as of this moment, you don't bring clear value you have innate value inside of you yes that's true, but you need to demonstrate that to the world. If you are as confident as happy and as valuable as you think you are then you would have more friends and people would be attracted to your presence. To change your circumstances you also must change your thoughts, behaviour and actions. What's the point in having the shiny things and the sexy cars and the lifestyle if you have no meaningful friends to share these moments with?

 

Reclaiming Connection

Reversing this trend requires intentional effort. Here are some steps men can take to rediscover the art of connection:

1. Prioritise In-Person Interactions: Make time for face-to-face meetings with friends and family. Join clubs, sports teams, or community groups to foster new relationships.
2. Embrace Vulnerability: Challenge the stereotype that equates vulnerability with weakness. Sharing personal thoughts and feelings can strengthen relationships and create deeper bonds.
3. Limit Digital Distractions: Set boundaries for digital device usage to ensure it doesn't replace real-world interactions. Engage in activities that promote presence and mindfulness.
4. Seek Support: Don't hesitate to reach out for professional help if struggling with mental health issues. Therapists and counsellors can provide strategies for building and maintaining meaningful relationships.
5. Cultivate Empathy and Active Listening: Practice truly listening to others without the need to immediately respond or fix things. Understanding and empathy are cornerstones of deep connections.

The Benefits of Deep Friendships

Men who cultivate deep, meaningful friendships experience a host of benefits that positively impact their lives. Here are some key advantages:

1. Emotional Support and Stability: Deep friendships provide a safe space for men to express their feelings, share their struggles, and seek advice. This emotional support is crucial for mental health and helps reduce stress and anxiety.
2. Improved Mental Health: Strong social connections are associated with lower rates of depression and anxiety. Friends offer a sense of belonging and acceptance, which can bolster self-esteem and provide a buffer against mental health issues.
3. Physical Health Benefits: Men with close friendships tend to be healthier. Studies have shown that social support can improve cardiovascular health, boost the immune system, and increase longevity. Friends encourage healthier behaviors and provide a support system during health challenges.
4. Personal Growth and Resilience: Friends challenge us, offer new perspectives, and help us grow. They provide honest feedback, celebrate our successes, and support us through failures. This network of support helps men build resilience and navigate life's ups and downs more effectively.
5. Increased Happiness and Life Satisfaction: Simply put, deep friendships make life more enjoyable. Shared experiences, laughter, and mutual support contribute to a richer, more satisfying life. Men with strong friendships often report higher levels of happiness and overall life satisfaction.

Barriers to Deep Friendships

Despite these benefits, many men struggle to form deep friendships. Several factors contribute to this challenge:

1. Societal Expectations: Traditional notions of masculinity often discourage men from expressing vulnerability or seeking emotional support. This can hinder the development of close friendships.
2. Busyness and Priorities: Modern life is hectic, and work, family, and other commitments can make it difficult to prioritize friendships. Men often find it challenging to make time for social activities amidst their busy schedules.
3. Fear of Rejection: Opening up to others involves a degree of risk, and many men fear rejection or judgment. This fear can prevent them from reaching out and forming deeper connections.
4. Lack of Social Skills: Some men may lack the social skills needed to build and maintain friendships. This can be particularly true for those who did not develop strong social networks in their younger years.

Building and Nurturing Deep Friendships

Overcoming these barriers requires intentional effort and a willingness to step out of one's comfort zone. Here are some strategies for building and nurturing deep friendships:

1. Be Open and Vulnerable: Authenticity is the foundation of deep friendships. Share your true self with others, including your fears, hopes, and dreams. This vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy.
2. Make Time for Friends: Prioritize your friendships by setting aside regular time to connect. Whether it's a weekly phone call, a monthly get-together, or spontaneous outings, consistent effort is key.
3. Join Groups and Communities: Engage in activities and communities that interest you. This could be a sports team, a hobby group, or a volunteer organization. Shared interests provide a natural foundation for friendships.
4. Listen and Support: Be a good listener and offer support to your friends. Show genuine interest in their lives and be there for them during tough times. Reciprocity strengthens bonds.
5. Be Patient and Persistent: Building deep friendships takes time and effort. Be patient and persistent, and don't get discouraged by setbacks. Keep putting yourself out there and nurturing the connections you make.

Reintroducing the art of connection through being a role model 

It's not just enough for you to do the work yourself, think about it, how do you expect your child to know what friendships are meant to be like or how they even work if they do not have good examples of this?

The onus is on you too, once you have figured it out for yourself it is also your responsibility to pass your knowledge experience and culture to your children so that we as a society can reintroduce what is beginning to fade. When we become the older generation we will need to help the younger generation. This involves inviting sons, brothers, and cousins with you to events, fun activities sports and even helping other friends with trivial stuff so they too can witness you first-hand in cultivating a healthy male relationship with others and what that bond looks like.

Conclusion

The ability to connect deeply with others is an essential skill that modern men are increasingly at risk of losing. By recognising the barriers and actively working to overcome them, men can rebuild the meaningful relationships that are so vital to their well-being and the health of society. Connection is not just a skill but a fundamental human need that, when nurtured, enriches every aspect of life.

As men, we are naturally sceptic of others and hard to connect with at first but quickly form bonds once we overcome these barriers of connection. We are innately playful and so using that to our advantage will allow us to form new friendships and deepen bonds.

There is no good referencing how many friends we used to have when we were in our 20s vs in our 30s/40s instead as we get older and we start to know ourselves more and our interests we should look to seek out groups of people who share these values and interests and not narrow them down instead.

So become a part of a community that is authentic, integral honest, ambitious but also imperfect and strives to exceed limits. Be their best selves and want to grow with you and optimise the four pillars of purpose.

You can do this.

You got this…

IT JUST TAKES TIME.

 

I hope this blog has helped you, this blog is a message to me just as much as it is for you guys that are reading it. We got this, If you relate to this then that makes two of us and you know what that means? There are more men out there in the world who are seeking the same… you just need to do the work to connect with them.

Bradley D.R

 Co-director of KINGS PIECE